There was once an octopus that lived in the deep blue sea. His name was Jay. He loved pizza, Chuck Taylors, The Strokes, and underwater skating. He was an extremely hipster octopus. He was so cool that his varotie bands weren't even created yet. He spent most of his days goofing off in Undersea College. Life was good for Jay, but one day, he thought that life had become monotonous and boring. His illegally downloaded Death Cab for Cutie mp3s, extreme sports, and Mountain Dew no longer satisfied him.

He thought back to his childhood dreams of when he was just a little octopus. He had wanted to be a point guard in a professional basketball team for the longest time that he could remember. He could totally jam some sick hoops and make excellent three pointers. He also wanted to play classical piano and compose various pieces of music, including sonatas, medleys, and chamber ensembles, to be performed by a band in front of a crowd.

His dreams would never come true though, because his dad was mean and uncool. He made him do his homework every day, he had to go to bed at 1:30 am every night, and he even took away his hacky sack once for a whole day when he broke the neighbor's window!

One day, after coming back from the undersea 7-11, he skated through the ocean and indulged carelessly in his slurpee. "Hey!" declared the frozen and delicious drink. "Knock it off! I am a magical slurpee, after all."

"Radical dude!" said Jay. "Can you make my wildest dreams come true? You see, I want to travel to the surface to achieve what I once thought was impossible, because I have gills, but maybe you can help!"

The iced concoction stroked its long, gray, magical beard, and looked up at his star and moon spotted hat. "Sure. You didn't throw me on the ground like most people do when they realize I can talk. I cause a lot of people to move to insane asylums." The slurpee did a cute little dance, and then it started glowing and emitting shades of bright green. "Come on," he said. "Drink me! I am now full of tasty and divine goodness. Just think your wish and it'll come true!"

Jay chugged the slurpee in a few large gulps, and he could now breathe twice as well. He had glungs! He could breathe under and above the water! "Thanks for the wish little dude! You're a bro in my book!" He had to tell Carl, his step-dad, about this most wonderful evening. Then he thought about how mad he gets. "Maybe Carl will understand," he thought. "I just want to go on a bit of a summer adventure is all. Maybe he'll lend me some dough!"

"NOO!!!" screamd Carl, when he heard of Jay's brilliant plan. "What are you THINKING??? YOU can't go to the SURFACE just to fulfill your stupid DREAMS!!! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!" A furious and red-faced Carl threw his sullen stepson into the now cold, dark, sea. He did not lend him any dough.

"I DON'T NEED THIS!" Jay shouted. He cursed his father loudly several times, grabbed his trusty board, and started to skate towards the surface. "Who does he think he is?" he asked himself. "I can do this on my own." Jay was so good at skating that he can do gnarly tricks in his sleep, so he decided to sleep until he arrived at the surface.

The next day he woke up washed onto the sunny shores of a California beach. He was being hit on the chest forcefully, and he gasped for air while he coughed up several aquatic plants, a remote control, a beach ball, and even a ripped up couch. A freakishly tall man was at his side, and frustrated, he said, "I guess I'll have to start resuscitating.." He tilted Jay's head back and got ready to breathe life into him.

"Whoa!" said Jay. "I'm fine dude, don't get all romantic on me." He then sprang to his feet, brushed himself off a bit, and scanned the area. "Hey, is this California?" he asked.

"Why yes it is, fine sir," said the behemoth of a man. "I'm the world famous basketball player Leo Leodus. You're lucky. I usually leave my CPR card at home to avoid situations like this, but I ahppened to have it on me today, and I felt obliged to save your life. Hey guys!" he shouted to the enormous surrounding crowd. "He's ok!" The crowd whooped and hollered cries of joy and happiness. "Well, my ride's here." he said, as a long white limo pulled up besides him.

Jay was still awestruck. "WAIT!" he yelled. "I know you! I wanted to be just like you a while ago under the ocean so I decided to follow my dreams and so I drank a magical slurpee and I got kicked out of my house and I skated all the way up here just so I can play basketball. Please let me come with you! I'll show you some of my mad skills on the b-ball court yo."

Leo studied Jay carefully, examining his short, badly cut, and dark tinted haircut. Jay was wearing green plaid cargo shorts and a "Vote For Pedro" t-shirt. 'Yeah ok." Leo stated.

After a bit of partying with some lovely and fine ladies, the two arrived at the Incredibly Incredible Super Awesome California Stadium. There was a big crowd tailgating outside, awaiting the big game versus the Idaho Spud Heads. "I can't wait to duke out my supreme shooting skills!" said Jay. They both walked into the building and went to the locker room to change.

"Oh no!" said a fellow basketball player. "Coach has caught leprosy and he can't be here tonight! Who will yell at us, and make us do laps, and tell us what to do, and most importantly, deliver a rousing speech that will motivate us to win?"

Scared eyes darted around the room, waiting for someone to guide them to a victory. "I'll do it!" said Jay. "Now listen up." He gave them a speech that was so motivational that the whole team weeped happy tears and Jay was awarded a Oscar for his outstanding performance. "Now let's get out there and mop the floor with them!" Jay crie,d and they all ran out to the big court.

As Jay was running to the court, a fancy looking guy in a suit and tie stopped him and said, "Please Jay! My fellow band mated and I have heard of your orchestral ways and we need you right away! Our band director was kidnapped by raptor ninjas with robot arms, jetpacks, and crossbows that shoot flaming chainsaws and he was taken to the planet Aradon! If they consume our beloved director, they will use his sacred bones as a key to unlock the Universe Laser, which wil surel obliterate all of mankind! We need a song so magical that it will transport him back here unharmed! We are in dire need of your excellent skills!"

"But, but, but.." said Jay. "I have a game! My team needs me! I would love to help you and stuff brah, but I have a commitment to them! This is the final showdown that will win us the coveted title of The Best Basketball Team In The Whole Universe Forever! we haven't claimed that title in, well, FOREVER!"

"Fine," he said. "But if you don't save us, you won't have a universe to be the best at basketball in. I guess that we'll just stick around and spend our final moments watching a selfish but stylish octopus play professional basketball." And with that, he was gone. Jay was contemplating this serious dilemma, but he couldn't decide. His head hurt from thinking. He quickly sprinted out to the basketball game.

"Coach! Where were you?" one of the team members shouted, out of breath. "We're down by 93 points and there's 3 minutes left in the game. Also, all the teammates are seriously injured! Coach? COACH?" Jay was still deep in thought. Then it came to him.

"I HAVE TO DO BOTH!" he concluded. Jay approached the middle of the court. The referee threw the ball in the air, and Jay received it. He was dashing down the court, basketball in four limbs, sheet music and pen in the other four. He evaded countless opponents by dribbling the ball insanely fast around him, bouncing the ball on their heads, or improvising. He was working on a piece entitled, "The Magical Song That Will Save The Beloved Band Director And Also The Entire Universe In B Flat Minor," while jamming hoops and scoring points with ease.

The song was finished, and the band was ready. He conducted the magical song, and the band played it magnificently. He also jumped across the whole court to slam dunk the final two points that would win them the title. Soon, the band director popped into existence. "Whoa, particle accelerators sure get the best of me." He said. He thanked Jay gratefully for saving the band director and all organic life. Then Jay was handed the really huge and shiny trophy that declared the Californian Cheesecakes the greatest team in the universe forever.

DON'T DO DRUGS KIDS.